Possessing Faith

I must confess....I had been taking "No Death, No Fear" along with me wherever I went for days, and now I cannot find it.  I have a pile of books next to my bed which I rotate reading.  My present stack includes cosmology, "Awakening the Sleeping Buddha", "Cellular Awakening", two books on recent prenatal findings, one on what my dog sees, and a re-reading of a favorite, Sharon Salzberg's "Faith".  I find myself finding new meaning from it as I move from cancer surgery to cancer treatment.

I had originally been told by my oncoligst that I was beyond the time after the mastectomy for chemotherapy to have any positive results; but upon her re-reading of the S-K protocols, she found that, should I begin a 4 month course of chemotherapy beginning Feb. 24th, my chances of recurrance of breast cancer drops from 40% to 17%.  The lung cancer has been obliterated, and the surgeon informed me that my lifetime recurrence possibility is well over 90A+%---PRETTY GREAT ODDS, I'd say!

So why my current confusion?  Why the emotional state of passing fear clouds about chemo?  Notice that it is not about death any longer; I have let go of that fear.  Now it is fear of having toxins infused into my body 8 times.  What IS this dull gnawing at my core?  How do I idntify its origin, its deeper meaning, so that I can apply Integral methods of breaking apart the doubting jaws?

Salzberg understands that we are a meaning-making species, and that we interpret our own fragmented experiences into narratives that can explain and map them.  Unfortunately, some narratives lock us into fragments that we mistakenly attach to as the whole, whereas other narratives reaveal the whole, relationships, and connection with others and with the All.

I was an intuitive mystic from an early age, perhaps genetically predisposed that way; but my family of origin locked me into those negative fragments that I was told represented the All.  I believed with all of my heart that my problem was with who I was and the terribly choices I made, that there was no way out for me, and therefore very little reason to have faith in myself  and a belief that I could change my life around.

There was the much-referenced "Curse of the Greenbergs", my mother's maiden name.  She and her 2 sisters fervently believed that their family was innately superior to others and also innaterly predestined to tragic fate.  When my mother wrote of the horrors and grief of her family back to her great-grandmother down to her own misery, she told me that MY chapter of suffering was to be written next......

And I lived out that narrative for 64 of my 65 years.  That is how new faith has been for me.  Even reading through this blog, my belief in my and my family's suffering comes through like a growl, a keening lament of generations of suffering that I held close to my heart.  Since the "awakening" I experienced in the hospital in December, however, I see this as such serious error.  I read the entries as if typed by another's hands.  This could not have come through my beliefs, I keep marveling.  How could she have thought that way?  What a terrible waste of energy.  How did I make that magnificent and major change from believing that I was destined to suffer, to belief that I had the ability to change my life, and to live a life free of suffering?

Buddha's Third Noble Truth involves liberation from my distorted concepts of who I think I am, by seeing who I really am in stark reality. radical truth, free of the overlays of our parents' or cultures' superpositions.  But that would require my abandonment of my self-hatred and belief in my own limitations to now include boundless, unimpeded love for myself and others without exception.  One of my problems with this came from my family's dualist belief in the ultimate superiority of our family members plus a belief in our complete inability to stop our continual suffering.   How does one connect this into a coherent narrative that supports an evolving life?  That gives me the strength to wake up every day and to continue marveling at each snowflake and frozen tree branch? that permits me to meet the newest life challenges?

When the legendary vile nihilistic figure of Mara set out to dissuade Siddhartha, soon to evolve into the Buddha, from his attempt to become enlightened, he chose to attack Siddhartha's belief in his own potential.

What an interesting choice.....Our modern culture forces us to "fluff" our resumes, and if we can get away with it, to blatantly lie on them, be it for office or for college admission.  At the same time, we are to resist being prideful, let we be attacked as "stuck up".  In my high school, the cause of 80% of retribution was aimed at those who "thought they were better than" the one doing the attacking.  How dare they? 

Siddhartha resolved this dualistic tension by asking the earth to bear witness to his right to be sitting under the bodhi tree, his right to aspire to full understanding and infinite compassion.  With his arising the next morning, he was enlightened.

I have the right to be happy.  No genetic disposition, no ancestral curse, can interrupt that right.  The glimmer of possibility can cut through to all of us.  I can envision a better life for myself, and for you and you and you....Thus is faith admitted into our world.

Faith is a verb in Pali, Latin, asnd Hebrew.  Why? Because it is something that we must do.  It is the willingness to take the next step.  And where will that next step take us?  Into the darkness.  Into the unknown.  It is a journey, not a destination; the verb takes us into an unknown land where we must risk it all, because of faith.  What must we give up in this journey?  The firm belief that we are in an unchanging place that will stay as is, for our security.

But what would that really mean for us?  It would rid life of possibility.  It would keep us stuck in this suffering state, unable to try anything new.

So where am I in this journey right now?  I have had three major surgeries in three months, have endured continuing pain from one operation to the other, with my chest still calling for oxycodone to eliminate the pain, and now as I look forward to this pain inching away day by day into pre-surgical normal existernce, I will be infused with poison that will disrupt that status quo and cause new and unknown side effects well beyond the loss of my hair:
• Nausea and vomiting
• Hair loss: Sorry. No two ways about it, you'll lose some or all of your hair.
• Increased risk of infection: You'll be losing white blood cells; the drugs will destroy some of them, along with the cancer cells. You'll be at your most susceptible starting 10 days after treatment, and extending to the next treatment. In fact, you'll get a blood test before each treatment to make sure your white blood cells aren't TOO depleted, putting you at too great a risk of infection.

What can you do about this? The usual things you do all winter to prevent a cold; avoid crowds, wash your hands often, stay away from people who are sick. Remember, an infection you get now will be more serious than a cold, so use your common sense. Don't put yourself at unnecessary risk.

• Loss of appetite/metallic taste in your mouth:
• Sores in your mouth, on your lips, or in your throat: Imagine cold sores inside your mouth-OUCH! These may crop up within a few days of treatment. Try to prevent them by chewing on ice chips during the first 5 to 10 minutes or so of your injection; this works for some women.
• Fatigue: As you advance through your treatments, you'll probably find yourself feeling more and more tired. This fatigue can range from mild (increased difficulty climbing stairs) to major (staying in bed all day). Try some gentle exercise, no matter how bad you feel; even walking helps.
• Loss of fertility Not an issue for me at 65.  At least this one doesn't apply.
• Heart damage: In rare cases, "A" may temporarily damage the muscles of your heart, and thus interfere with its pumping action.
• Susceptibility to sunburn
• Bladder irritation
• Bruising or bleeding more easily: You may notice you bruise more easily. Or maybe your gums bleed when you brush your teeth, your nose bleeds when you blow it, you see some spotting in your underwear... your bone marrow is producing fewer platelets, which is what helps your blood clot. This isn't a serious problem-it's not like having hemophilia-it's more an annoyance, something to be aware of. And, along these same lines, don't panic when your urine suddenly turns reddish-pink directly after your treatment: it's not blood, it's from the drugs.
• You may have pretty significant joint pain that (hopefully) lasts just a couple of days, but may stretch beyond that. Ibuprofen, taken at fairly high doses, usually helps with this. Ask your doctor how much to take.

• You may also have tingling in your hands and feet. Not much you can do about that; it's annoying, and can affect your balance, if it's in your feet (since it feels like your feet are asleep); but it should go away once you're done.
• Chemo brain: This rather disheartening side effect is experienced by many women as they go through chemo. And in about 15 percent of women, it lingers for years. Short-term memory loss and difficulty concentrating are its main characteristics. You may forget your best friend's name, your own phone number, or which way to turn a doorknob... any number of heretofore simple tasks are made more difficult, simply because you've (temporarily, hopefully) lost some short-term memory.

So how am I to journey through this with faith?  I CHOOSE LIFE.  I ALIGN MYSELF WITH THE POTENTIAL INHERENT IN MY LIFE.  I GIVE MYSELF OVER TO THAT POTENTIAL.